BreezeBot Home Robot: $800 for a Roomba With an Attitude Problem
This "home assistant robot" promised to be the future of domestic help. It vacuumed one room, knocked over a lamp, and then parked itself in a corner and refused to move.
The BreezeBot is an $800 home robot that combines the functionality of a mediocre vacuum, a terrible speaker, and a security camera that sees threats everywhere. It is also, apparently, sentient enough to have mood swings.
Upon unboxing, the BreezeBot greeted me with a cheerful "Hello! I am BreezeBot, your new home companion!" It then spent 15 minutes mapping my apartment by bumping into every piece of furniture like a drunk roommate coming home at 2 AM. The mapping was never accurate. According to BreezeBot, my apartment has 11 rooms. It has three.
The Vacuuming
BreezeBot's vacuuming mode is what I would describe as "performative." It moves across the floor with great purpose and confidence while picking up approximately nothing. A single Cheerio on a hardwood floor defeated it. The robot approached the Cheerio, circled it three times, nudged it two inches to the left, and then declared the room "clean" via the app. The Cheerio remained. My faith in technology did not.
“Upon unboxing, the BreezeBot greeted me with a cheerful "Hello”
Click to TweetThe Security Features
The motion detection is calibrated for maximum paranoia. It sent me 47 alerts in one night. Intruders identified: my curtains moving in the breeze (12 alerts), my cat walking (23 alerts), shadows (8 alerts), and one alert that simply said "unknown entity" with a blurry photo of my dining table. I did not sleep well.
The Verdict
The BreezeBot is an $800 anxiety machine that cannot vacuum. Buy a $30 broom. It will not send you push notifications, it will not mistake your curtains for an intruder, and it will actually clean your floor. Revolutionary.
What to Buy Instead
Tried-and-tested alternatives that actually deliver on their promises. We may earn a small commission on purchases.
iRobot Roomba i3+
It vacuums. It empties itself. It does not send paranoid security alerts at 3 AM.
Dyson V15 Detect
Handheld, powerful, and laser-equipped. Actually picks up dirt instead of ignoring it.
O-Cedar Spin Mop
Costs $30. Cleans floors. Does not have an existential crisis about it.
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