Fitness & Wellness
Exercise equipment and wellness products that promise six-pack abs but deliver six-figure medical bills. Your body deserves better than this.
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The Neckline Slimmer: A Spring You Bob Your Chin On, with Zero Medical Evidence, Sold to People Who Deserve Better Than a Spring
Claims to slim your neck in 2 minutes a day using spring resistance — a claim supported by exactly zero doctors, zero studies, and zero necks ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Auto &...
HeadOn: Apply Directly to the Forehead! Apply Directly to the Forehead! Apply Directly to the Forehead! (It's Wax. The Product Is Wax.)
The commercial was so annoying it gave you the headache, and the product was homeopathic wax that contained no active ingredients — a self-creating market ⭐ Rating: 1/5 |...
The Hawaii Chair: An Office Chair with a 2,800 RPM Motor That Gyrates Your Hips While You Try to Type, Think, or Not Vomit
'If you can sit, you can get fit!' — if 'fit' means violently nauseous, unable to type, and the subject of an HR complaint from everyone in your row ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category:...
Vibram FiveFingers: The Toe Shoes That Lost a $3.75 Million Lawsuit AND Became the Most Mocked Footwear in Running History
Settled a class action for false health claims. Also lost the court of public opinion. Also look like you're wearing webbed alien feet. Triple threat. ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category:...
The Horse Riding Exercise Machine: A Bicycle Seat on Rocking Legs That Produces the Most Suggestive Motion in Fitness History
Someone built an indoor saddle that bucks and rocks while you straddle it, called it 'exercise,' and hoped nobody would notice what it looks like ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category:...
Reebok EasyTone: The Shoes That Claimed 28% More Butt Strength and Cost Reebok $25 Million to Admit They Didn't
Skechers Shape-Ups had a classmate in detention — Reebok paid their own $25M FTC settlement for the same lies in different shoes ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness & Wellness |...
Steel Supplements Shredded-AF: Every Product Ends in '-AF' and They Keep Getting Caught by the FDA
A company whose naming convention screams 'gym bro energy' and whose ingredient list screams 'unapproved stimulants the FDA warned us about' ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness &...
Jack3d Pre-Workout: The Energy Supplement That Killed Soldiers and Was Manufactured by the Same Company That Caused a Hepatitis Outbreak
USPlabs' first attempt at poisoning the fitness industry — before OxyElite Pro, there was a pre-workout with a leetspeak name and a body count ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness &...
Leg Magic / Circle Glide: The Leg Machine That Hurt the Elderly and Then Made a Sequel That Was Somehow Worse
An impressive commitment to failure — most companies fix the next version, Leg Magic made it more dangerous ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness & Wellness | Tone: Deadpan --- The...
The Treadmill Bike: A Machine That Solves Walking Outside by Letting You Walk Outside on a Machine
Someone mounted a treadmill on bicycle wheels and charged hundreds of dollars for the privilege of walking at the speed of walking while pushing a contraption ⭐ Rating: 1/5 |...
The Squat Magic: A $40 Spring-Loaded Seat for the World's Most Basic Exercise, Which Requires Zero Equipment
Someone looked at the bodyweight squat — an exercise requiring literally nothing except legs and gravity — and thought 'this needs a product' ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness &...
The Body Blade: A $73 Floppy Stick That One Reviewer Compared to 'A Poor Eel Fighting for Its Life'
A flexible plastic rod you wobble back and forth while standing still, marketed as a total body transformation, reviewed as a distressed marine animal ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category:...
Sauna Suits: For When You Want the Weight Loss Results of Food Poisoning Without the Inconvenience of Eating Bad Shrimp
Wrapping yourself in a plastic trash bag to sweat out water weight that returns the moment you drink a glass of water — peak desperation fitness ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness...
Six Second Abs: The Logical Endpoint of Laziness Marketing, Where Even Thirty Seconds Was Considered Too Much Commitment
A product that promised visible abs from six seconds of effort per rep, with zero evidence — because at some point the fitness industry just stopped pretending ⭐ Rating: 1/5 |...
The Gazelle Freestyle: Tony Little's Squeaking Elliptical and the Ponytail That Haunted a Generation
A cardio machine so loud that the squeaking drove users to give it away, while Tony Little's ponytail flew through infomercials like a flag of surrender from the concept of...
Electric Ab Belts: The Product That Let You Electrocute Your Stomach While Eating Pizza and Call It Exercise
FTC fined multiple manufacturers for claiming you could get a six-pack via electrodes, which is technically assault with a battery ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness & Wellness |...
OxyElite Pro: The Supplement That Caused a Hepatitis Outbreak in Hawaii, from the Same Company That Made Jack3d
USPlabs somehow made TWO of the most dangerous supplements in history, and the leetspeak product names should have been the first red flag ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness &...
Hydroxycut: The Diet Pill That Kept Coming Back From the Dead Like a Supplement-Industry Horror Villain
Recalled after destroying livers in 2009, reformulated, and returned to shelves under the same name — because brand loyalty apparently extends to organ damage ⭐ Rating: 1/5 |...
The Ab Circle Pro: The Machine That Promised a Six-Pack in 3 Minutes and Delivered a $25 Million FTC Settlement
A knee-destroying medieval torture device marketed as an ab workout, proven to be as effective at building abs as sitting on the couch watching the infomercial ⭐ Rating: 1/5 |...
The ThighMaster: A Glorified Door Spring with Foam Padding That Suzanne Somers Squeezed Into a $100 Million Empire
The fitness device based entirely on debunked spot reduction theory, powered by a Three's Company star and 3 AM desperation ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness & Wellness | Tone:...
Skechers Shape-Ups: The Shoes That Promised Fitness Through Standing and Delivered a $40 Million FTC Settlement
How a shoe company paid a chiropractor married to their marketing VP to produce the only study that said their product worked, then paid $40 million when it didn't ⭐ Rating: 1/5...
The Shake Weight: The Fitness Device That Got More Laughs Than Reps and More Parodies Than Results
How a vibrating dumbbell sold 4 million units on the strength of an infomercial so suggestive that South Park didn't even have to exaggerate it ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Fitness...
ZenFlow Smart Water Bottle: $79 to Be Judged by a Container
A water bottle that tracks your hydration, glows to remind you to drink, and sends passive-aggressive notifications. It also leaks. From the smart sensor.
The AbCruncher Infinity: A Medieval Torture Device Marketed as Exercise Equipment
This ab machine promises a six-pack in six weeks. The only thing it delivered in six weeks was a referral to my chiropractor and a deep sense of regret.