Kitchen & Cooking
Where kitchen dreams go to die. We review the gadgets, gizmos, and glorified paperweights that promised to revolutionize your cooking but mostly just revolutionized your junk drawer.
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The BLACK+DECKER 3-in-1 Waffle Maker: One Machine, Three Ways to Disappoint
Waffle iron, sandwich press, and omelet pan walk into a kitchen. They merge into a single appliance, lose all their best qualities, and spend eternity forgotten at the back of a cabinet. This is that appliance.
Deer Park Water: Tastes Like It Was Bottled Straight From Bambi's Bladder
Deer Park Water gives you the full, unfiltered wilderness experience — because this stuff tastes like someone squeezed it directly from a deer's kidneys and slapped a label on it.
The Bacon Bowl: The Intersection of Peak Bacon Craze and Peak Unitasker — A Perfect Storm of Uselessness That Makes a Bowl Out of Bacon
A mold for creating bowls made entirely of bacon — because someone looked at a bowl and thought 'this needs to be meat' and nobody in the room said 'no' ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category:...
The Slap Chop: 'You're Gonna Love My Nuts' — The Most Inadvertently Suggestive Infomercial in Television History
Vince Offer sold a cheap food chopper with an innuendo so catastrophic that the product is remembered exclusively for one sentence nobody can unhear ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category:...
OK Soda: When Coca-Cola Tried to Be Counter-Culture and Created the Most Honest Product Name in Beverage History
A mega-corporation's attempt at Gen X nihilism — their own ads described it as 'carbonated tree sap' and the whole thing died in 7 months because irony doesn't hydrate ⭐ Rating:...
Celery-Flavored Jell-O: The Exact Moment the 1960s Gelatin Obsession Went Too Far
Jell-O made celery, mixed vegetable, Italian salad, and seasoned tomato flavors — because mid-century America believed EVERYTHING should be suspended in gelatin ⭐ Rating: 1/5 |...
Life Savers Soda: The Product That Proved People Can Distinguish Between 'I Like This Candy' and 'I Want to Drink This Candy'
Focus groups loved the taste. Nobody bought it on shelves. Because wanting candy and wanting candy-flavored soda are two different desires that marketing couldn't merge. ⭐...
Jones Turkey & Gravy Soda: Carbonated Turkey Gravy Exists Because Someone Committed to Ruining Thanksgiving in Beverage Form
Also available in Brussels Sprout, Dinner Roll, and Antacid — the last one is not a real flavor but should be, given the first three ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Kitchen & Cooking |...
Pepsi Blue: Because Crystal Pepsi Taught Pepsi Nothing About Making Cola the Wrong Color
A blue berry-cola with cancer-causing dye concerns that couldn't compete with Vanilla Coke — Pepsi's second attempt at solving the problem of 'what if cola, but not brown?' ⭐...
Ore-Ida Funky Fries: Chocolate Fries, Cinnamon Fries, and Blue Fries, Because a Focus Group of Eight-Year-Olds Apparently Ran the Company
French fries in flavors and colors that made them look like food from an alien planet — discontinued within a year because french fries are not candy ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category:...
Reddi-Bacon: The Microwave Bacon from the Whipped Cream People That Was a Genuine Fire Hazard
They mastered cream. Then they asked: 'What else can we make dangerously convenient?' The answer was bacon that could set your kitchen on fire. ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Kitchen...
Coca-Cola Blāk: The Coffee-Cola Hybrid with a Pretentious Accent Mark That Lasted 17 Months and Deserved Fewer
A drink that combined the bitterness of coffee with the sweetness of Coke, resulting in a beverage that tasted like both had lost an argument ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Kitchen &...
Orbitz Drink: A Lava Lamp You Could Drink, and It Tasted Exactly As Good As That Sounds
A fruit beverage with mysterious floating gel balls suspended inside it, because someone looked at a lava lamp and thought 'I want that in my mouth' ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category:...
Gerber Singles: Baby Food for Adults, Because Gerber Looked at College Students and Thought 'What If We Treated Them Like Actual Babies?'
The most spectacular misreading of a target market in food history — pureed meals in baby food jars, marketed to grown humans who could technically operate a stove ⭐ Rating: 1/5...
Heinz EZ Squirt Colored Ketchup: Purple Ketchup on a Hot Dog Is a War Crime Against Condiments
Green, purple, blue, and teal ketchup sold 25 million bottles because kids thought it was cool, then the novelty wore off and everyone remembered that ketchup is supposed to be...
Colgate Kitchen Entrees: The Toothpaste Company That Made Frozen Dinners and Accidentally Destroyed Both Product Lines
Imagine opening your freezer and seeing 'Colgate Beef Lasagna.' Now imagine eating it. Now imagine tasting toothpaste. Now imagine never buying Colgate toothpaste again. ⭐...
Crystal Pepsi: The Clear Cola That Confused Everyone, Deteriorated in Sunlight, and Was Murdered by Coca-Cola Using a Kamikaze Product
Coca-Cola deliberately launched Tab Clear — a terrible product — specifically to kill Crystal Pepsi. Both died. It was the carbonated equivalent of a murder-suicide. ⭐ Rating:...
New Coke: The Company That Spent Millions of Dollars to Discover That People Who Like Coke Want Coke
Changed a 99-year-old formula to taste more like Pepsi, discovered that Pepsi drinkers still wanted Pepsi and Coke drinkers wanted their Coke back — lasted 79 days ⭐ Rating: 1/5...
Lay's WOW Chips: The Fat-Free Chips Whose Side Effects Included 'Anal Leakage,' Which Is a Phrase That Should Never Appear on a Snack Label
America wanted guilt-free chips. Olestra delivered guilt-free chips with cramping, diarrhea, and a side effect so memorable it entered the cultural lexicon as a warning about...
The Banana Surprise YumStation: A Product Whose Name Is Funnier Than Anything I Could Write About It
A kitchen gadget that injects toppings into bananas, because slicing a banana and adding peanut butter was apparently too simple for the YumStation industrial complex ⭐ Rating:...
The EZ Butter Dispenser: A Device That Deposits Butter Without Spreading It, Solving a Problem That Doesn't Exist
Discontinued because it was EZ for people not to buy it ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Home | Tone: Absurdist --- I need you to imagine the pitch meeting for this product because it...
The Angry Mama Microwave Steamer: A $10 Plastic Woman Whose Entire Job Is Performed by a Bowl
You fill her with vinegar. You put her in the microwave. Steam comes out of her head. A Pyrex measuring cup does the same thing for free. ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Home | Tone:...
The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer: The Kitchen Unitasker That Launched 7,000 Satirical Amazon Reviews
How a $4 piece of yellow plastic became the most reviewed terrible product on Amazon and the internet's favorite punching bag ⭐ Rating: 1/5 | Category: Home | Tone:...
The AirFry Supreme XL: An Oven That Cannot Fit a Chicken Wing
Despite "XL" in the name, this air fryer is smaller than a shoebox. You can cook exactly 3 french fries at a time, which is not a serving — it is a garnish.
The SmoothMaster 3000 Blender: A $200 Way to Redecorate Your Kitchen Ceiling
This blender promises restaurant-quality smoothies. It delivers restaurant-quality PTSD. The lid ejection system is so reliable, NASA should take notes.