The Potty Putter: Miniature Golf for the Bathroom, Because Defecating Was Apparently Wasted Time You Could Be Improving Your Short Game
A tiny putting green, a tiny putter, and a tiny flag — for people who looked at toilet time and saw a productivity gap
The Potty Putter is a miniature putting green that sits on your bathroom floor in front of the toilet. It comes with a small putter, two golf balls, a putting cup with a flag, and a "Do Not Disturb" door sign — because the person who purchases a putting green for their bathroom is the type of person who needs to announce their extended bathroom occupancy with signage.
The product's premise is that time spent on the toilet is wasted time — time that could, instead, be spent practicing your putting stroke while your pants are around your ankles. The Potty Putter transforms the bathroom from a place of necessary biological function into a practice facility for a sport you are not good enough at to justify practicing on a toilet.
You are sitting on a toilet. Your pants are down. You are holding a tiny putter. You are putting a golf ball across a felt mat on your bathroom floor. If this scene appeared in a movie, it would be the scene that establishes the character has lost control of their life. This is not a hobby. This is what a screenplay uses to communicate: "This man's wife has left him."
The Potty Putter joins the Potty Fisher (a miniature fishing rod for toilet use), the Potty Piano (a floor mat piano for toilet use), and the Potty Putter's various seasonal variants in the category of "bathroom time optimization products" — a category that should not exist, because bathroom time is not a resource to be optimized. Bathroom time is bathroom time. It has a function. The function is not golf.
The Glorious User Experience
Steve from Phoenix, AZ — ★☆☆☆☆
"I used the Potty Putter for a week. My putting did not improve. My bathroom time doubled. I was spending fifteen minutes on the toilet instead of five because I was PLAYING GOLF instead of performing the task the toilet was designed for. The Potty Putter turned a biological necessity into a recreational event. My wife knocked on the door and said, 'Are you golfing in there?' I was golfing in there. One star."
Karen from Seattle, WA — ★☆☆☆☆
"The putting green sits on the bathroom floor. The BATHROOM FLOOR. The surface that is closest to the toilet, that receives splash, that accumulates moisture, that is cleaned with bleach. The felt putting green absorbs all of this. The green that you touch with your hands, that you retrieve golf balls from, that is inches from the toilet base — is a petri dish. It is a felt petri dish on a bathroom floor. One star."
“The Potty Putter transforms the bathroom from a place of necessary biological function into a practice facility for a sport you are not good enough at to justify practicing on a toilet”
Click to TweetDave from Chicago, IL — ★☆☆☆☆
"My son received the Potty Putter as a Father's Day gift. He was twelve. He gave his father a toilet golf set. For Father's Day. The card said 'For your favorite room in the house!' I looked at my son. I looked at the tiny putter. I looked at my wife, who was responsible for the shopping. She mouthed 'He picked it.' My twelve-year-old's assessment of my life is: a man who golfs on the toilet. One star. I love my son. I returned the Potty Putter."
Amazon Reviewer — ★★★★★
"Five stars. I live alone. I have no one to judge me. The Potty Putter is the highlight of my morning routine. I have sunk over 10,000 putts while seated on my toilet. My short game has not improved. My happiness has. Sometimes you need a tiny flag on your bathroom floor to remind you that joy is available in small, stupid, private moments. Five stars."
The Verdict
The Potty Putter is a putting green for your bathroom floor that turns toilet time into tee time and dignity into an afterthought. It doubles your bathroom occupancy, sits on the most unsanitary surface in your home, and communicates to anyone who discovers it that you have chosen to combine sports and defecation.
Your phone is already in the bathroom. We know it's in the bathroom. Everyone's phone is in the bathroom. The Potty Putter is your phone's weird cousin — the entertainment option that requires a felt mat, a tiny putter, and the acceptance that you are playing miniature golf on a toilet.
We rate it 1 out of 5 necessary bathroom hobbies.
---
✅What to Buy Instead
A Phone
You already bring entertainment to the bathroom. We all know this. The phone does everything the Potty Putter does plus infinity other things.
A Good Book
The original bathroom entertainment. Centuries of proven performance. Doesn't sit on the bathroom floor absorbing moisture.
Squatty Potty
If you're going to buy a bathroom product, buy one that actually helps you go. The Squatty Potty improves the process. The Potty Putter extends it.
Comments
Sign in or create an account to join the discussion.
No comments yet. Be the first to share your thoughts!